The Audiophile BS Page

Warning, if you are an audiophile who is easily offended, or has no sense of humor, please don't read this!

If you are someone who knows music and electronics, you will crack up as you read some of the hilarious drivel that follows! It was partly inspired by an old issue of MAD Magazine back in the 1960s!

Audio lovers seem to have more talent for appreciating music than they do for choosing words. So we dedicate this web site to all of the "Golden Ears" crowd.

Their descriptions of the electronic sound-idols they worship, are nothing short of hilarious! You will see them talk in terms of women, traffic, food - ANYTHING to try to appear sophisticated and knowledgable and thus avoid using commonly understood linguistic terms!

Is 'Audiophilia' a disease or a religion? How else is it that these bozos believe that they actually hear the things that they say they do?

These folks are the victims of the over-priced "HIGH-END" audio manufacturers and vendors, and they are indeed their legitimate prey!

NEW
The Audiophile's guide to Ebay Shopping - hilarious.

MUSIC JOKES - a hilarious look at music and musicians, from the United Kingdom.

"It is not possible to place speakers in a home without getting reflections
that distort the sound. But somehow, if you pay enough money then you
can't hear the distortions. It's too bad that paying too much for stereo
doesn't have the same effect as taking way too much aspirin.

Regards,
Bill Hawkins

NOW - REFERENCE KNOBS - supposedly make your audio sound MUCH better. HILARIOUS!!

RAINBOW FOIL for your CDs - from the U.K. - incredible stuff in a tiny package.

More about the Ranbow Foil from the manufacturer

Here is some Audio BS I found:
It talks about all the things that can ruin your hi-fi sound system like:
"BAD SOUNDING RF CHOKES" (Yes, he he!!) and capacitors that "SMEAR" the sound. What a hoot!!
"... and many other time and frequency smearing mechanisms is a massive perceived blurring, smearing, flattening and veiling of the sonic “picture.” etc. etc.
Anyone would think these guys lived on another planet where the science of electronics is entirely different, LOL!

If you want a real laugh, look up the American eBay at:
http://eBay.com
Then search for 3093574410

Two Mullard Valves going for a prince's ransom!

After months of diligent searching I have finally found that web page for the famous (hilarious)

SHUN MOOK Resonators and MPINGO DISKS!!

Many people have asked me about these, since I had forgotten where I had seen them, but they are claimed to be a special wood that will - 'control acoustic resonance.' Also, I learned that "The resonators are sold in matched sets and are individually tuned for optimum performance.

Imagine that? YOUR $50.00 Impingo disks will be INDIVIDUALLY TUNED!

You will split your sides when you see the REVOLUTIONARY 'LP Record Clamp!'

CLICK HERE TO SEE the "Mpingo Magic" for yourself! (or as the Shun Mook folks say 'It is not REALLY MAGIC, but HIGH SCHOOOL PHYSICS at work!' - He he!

They also sell the 'Bella Voce Reference Loudspeaker $13,800.00'
Just HOW 'Bella' can a speaker BE?!! FOr that price it ought to really BELLOW!

AND they have a Moving Coil Cartridge that's a mere $4,800.00

AUDIOPHLE JARGON (Sales pitches) You will have the promise of hearing crisper highs, smoothly defined, creamy
lows AND amazingly captivating, concise, engrossing, debonair, textual
mid-range tones layering your sound stage while enjoying lifelike timing and
pace to any passage of music. Turns any living room into a perfectly
anecoic reference chamber. This AC outlet will startle some listeners
as it dramatically improves the immediacy of a transient’s inception,
allowing for an incredible expanse of harmonic information and
musical envelopment to follow!

For another really good laugh, Check out this amazing new contribution by 'CHUCK' and 'JON' etc. (Click 'BACK' when you finish reading it.)

ALSO, Chuck very kindly told us about the controversy over at AUDIO ASYLUM, where some of them HATE this web page! - come on guys, lighten up, it's all in fun!

Here's more sage commentary for the above thread from Porky Pig - GO PORKY!

Here is a 6SN7 tube driving a 304TL tube power amplifier; and it only costs $85,000 USD!
85,000 DOLLAR AMPLIFIER - CHEAP!

Here are some examples of the utter bullshit written by over-enthused
audiophiles and reviewers - you know, the guys who buy the solid gold
4-gauge speaker wires, because they claim that it sounds better
that way?

These poor suckers earnestly believe that expensive cables, resonators etc.,
will improve the sound of their stereo system.

Debunking Speaker Cable Myths.

Anyone would think you were riding a roller coaster, eating ice cream
and having intercourse with your hi-fi instead of listening to it if
you go by some of these descriptions. However, for what these guys PAY
for the privilege, they ought to get to do all three in addition to
enjoying some music!

HERE is an interesting home made CONCRETE TURNTABLE built by a very dedicated audiophile (pretty amazing!)

AND NOW THE QUOTES:

Dave D'Epagnier wrote:
[[Hey Ian, what do you make of all these audio amplifier manufacturers specifying their equipment
output power to be in rms Watts? This doesn't make sense to me.

Me neither. Perhaps a certain hi-fi journalist could comment?
If there ever was a place for Charlatan's to set-up shop - its the audio-phile community.
$300 connector sets for speakers
$100+ per foot for 6ga speaker "wire"
Stones, that enhance sonic purity when placed on top of the cabinet $500,
4 gauge power (mains) cables for the ultimate sounding 9 watt triode amp -
(nobody told them the power transformer was wound with 26 gauge)
Electrolytic filter caps with new label material and ink for the printing on
the label, that doesn't "interfere" with strong magnetic field surrounding the cap.

P.T. Barnum is looking down from above, with great big smile on his face. Phil (not audio)
73 from Ian G3SEK Editor, 'The VHF/UHF DX Book'

Additional comment on the above:
[[Indeed, Phil. About ten years ago, someone spotted a trade journal ad from
the company that makes Monster Cable. They were looking for a creative writer. ]]
- Rich (measures@vcnet.com)

8? AudioQuest K2 Terminated Speaker Cable – $6,800 Posted on 08/24/2010 by Mr. Pink:

I’ve seen some stupid shit for sale on the Internet, but the AudioQuest 8? K2 Terminated Speaker Cable absolutely takes the cake. It’s currently “on sale” for $6,800, which is an incredible deal compared to the regular retail price of… wait for it… $8,450. ("ONLY ONE LEFT!" - LOL... Ed)

CLICK IF YOU WOULD LIKE TO SEE OR BUY THIS!

I don’t care how rich you are. This is just a waste of money. Period.

You really ought to read the reviews, too. They’re rather hilarious.

"Speakers don't normally deteriorate with age, in fact most improve as they loosen up."
- TNT Hi-fi review.

MORE JARGON:

Are YOUR speakers "happy?"
"Two of these drivers do the mid/bass two are for bass only so in fact the crossover is 3 way
and a bit... They were launched at the beginning of the 90's for 600 GBP and give a tight, fast
and wide band presentation. You ought to get an early pair for 250 GBP and for that they are probably
the best allrounder out there. They also have the advantage of not needing stands and being happy
close to a wall. " - TNT Hi-fi review.

"Pulling harmonics together from a jumbled auditory stream to form a coherent harmonic envelope."

"Image outlines were sharply focused in space with believable palpability."

"There was plenty of bass detail to behold."

"The music flows with gusto and verve. It squeezes instrumental images into incredibly palpable outlines."

"...more muscle and definition, and a heart that is pure gold."

"Most preamps when pushed hard change their sonic signature."

"Harmonic colors were somewhat on the dark side."

"By using the $450 gold plated RCA stereo jumper cables for all line-level connections, and the newly available $1200 gold plated XYZ speaker wires, we were able to achieve a distinct improvement in highs and the deepest rich bass lows I have ever heard. A massive improvement over ordinary old copper."

"These cables deliver big time! The sound is surprisingly smooth and spacious, with particularly sweet upper octaves."

"If you connect a ground to the chassis of your power amplifer and use 4 gauge wire connected to a bucket of salt water with a copper coil in it, your mids and highs will be the sweetest you have ever heard. Works with car audio systems too. Place the bucket in the trunk and reduce speed on corners and when braking, to avoid spillage."

"Special wooden resonator disks made in Asia from a special tree, only found in one area. Placing these under EACH of your components, at strategic locations will remove 'unwanted resonances', and DRAMATIC improval tonal quality. The difference is astounding. These disks of wood sell for around $100 to $400 EACH (depending on size)." (See the top of this web page!)

"somewhat fuzzy portrayal of image outlines."

"Harmonic textures ebbed and flowed with startling dynamic nuances and the sort of liquidity and purity one only comes to associate with world-class audio products."

"Harmonic textures are painted slightly gray in color."

"Spatial detail was painted with a fine brush that readily resolved massed voices and the air around individual instruments."

"Image outlines, however, are more precisely focused within the soundstage and in general the Accordance is capable of sketching out a convincing 3-D acoustic impression."

"It felt like I had crawled into a warm and inviting sonic womb."

"Not content with straight S.E.X. (the single-ended experimenter's kit), the Doctor introduces the "69" tapered pipe loudspeaker. Sounds like a recipe for a mind-blowing sonic orgasm."

"The impression of speed and control was strong."

"Bass lines were fleshed out with excellent definition."

"It is less lush sounding than..."

"...force feeding the listener an earful of detail; more accurately, a barrage of in-your-face zingers that becomes almost an instant irritant."

"Each tube brand seems to have a unique flavor of its own."

"Certain busy passages of music get congested."

"... sounds either euphonic or bright."

"The Equilibre ($8,475) - nominally a 60-watt stereo amp."

"It could well explain the sweet sounds that come from using passive preamps straight into the power amplifiers."

"...with an easy-to-drive impedance magnitude."

"Rendition of harmonic colors was suave and smooth, with a believable sugar coating."

"Exposure of low-level detail, even in complex passages, without leaving anything to the imagination."

"The mids are vivid in spades with wave after wave of honey-coated harmonic bliss."

"The midbass region is "fun"

"the upper mids are a bit more laid back than I would like."

"the low bottom end is not there..."

What others have written on this subject:

Paul Litwinovich
I want to know, if pedophiles molest children, what do audiophiles do to audio? - P.L. N1MUC

THIS IS ONE VERY RARE BIRD INDEED. A NEARLY MINT CONDITION NAMIKI AC PLUG DIRECTION FINDER.

(Note: - Yes, it really is a $50.00 polarity checker! And "RARE" because it's no longer made!) - note: the ad is gone from eBay now.

The Namiki DF-100 is used on audio, video, and other equipment that does not have a polarized plug. It allows you to determine which way the AC plug for the product is to be orientated for maximum performance and minimum noise by making sure the chassis of the product is properly attached to the neutral rather than the hot of the AC. This unit comes complete with the original instructions in Japanese, the attaching probe, and a hand sewn bag to keep it in when not in the box.
The lucky bidder will pay for shipping. We ship UPS ground service at actual shipping costs plus $3.00 for shipping materials and we do pack things extremely well. You want to receive them complete, we want you happy too!
WE DO NOT SHIP USPS UNLESS ABSOLUTELY NECESSARY.
We accept Visa, Mastercard, Discover, PayPal, US Postal Money Orders, personal checks, and regular money orders. Charge Cards, Paypal and US Postal Money Orders get same day shipping. All other forms of payment must first clear the bank before shipping occurs.
Thank you and good luck!
Buy from a dealer with 16 years of experience, Audible Elegance. Please visit WWW.AUDIBLEELEGANCE.COM and buy with confidence.

From: Brian Burke
Newsgroups: rec.audio.high-end
A search thru the usenet failed to come up with prodigious posts to do with a great tweak I had heard about somewhere.
I found myself happily out of week-end work around the house lately and decided to replace the bubble wrap around my speaker cable; the air had leaked out of most of the pockets and it seemed like a good idea at the time.
It took the better part of an hour to cover all 16 feet; I had even built some buffers to put between the walls and cable where the cable was pressed snug to the wall..
But when it was done the effort proved worthwhile; bass was noticeably tighter and better delineated, more air around instruments in a clearer soundstage, voices somehow more expressive. On a lark, I did the interconnects as well and that revealed yet another another increase in resolution. It could have been the wine with dinner, I guess, but the next day it still sounded more open and transparent than ever, so... regards, Brian Burke

Check these out:

Matt Stutterheim
In a message dated 15/11/99, Paul writes:
[[ I want to know, if pedophiles molest children, what do audiophiles do to audio? ]]
I suspect they're into AURAL SEX.

Christian Fandt:
[[ I want to know, if pedophiles molest children, what do audiophiles do to audio? ]] Audiophiles molest _Common Sense_ ! Sometimes enough to seem to be destined for Death Row :-)
Chris

Michael Crestohl
We don't call them "audiophools" for nothing!!!!!
Michael, W1RC

Rick kf4ar
Here's another one for your audiophile page. This was sent to me by a ham friend on a local audiophile list. This is a real post not a joke.
This fellow has way too much time on his hands.
Enjoy. The Audio Asylum is aptly named.
Forwarded message
From todays collection of rantings on the Audio Asylum board:
Posted by Mart on November 15, 1999
I just got through spray painting my dual BlackLight discs with flat colors. I did one side in classic forest green & the other in black. My impressions were very much like my brothers but with contradictory results. I liked black since it lowered the noise floor & increased channel separation even more which only further enhanced dynamics & detail simultaneously.

He liked green because it's effect is very soothingly smooth. imagry transitions from channel to channel seemlessly, without huge sacrifices (eg: noise-floor raises about +10dB to around -110dB). It simply paints better between speakers.

Fred E. Holnagel
Being a musician of sorts, I have a pretty good ear. I can't personally tell the difference between 6L6's at $15 each and W.E. 310B's at $400 to $700 each. Is there that much difference?

(Ah but Fred! Only TWO ears? You LACK that one extra "Golden Ear!")

Richard E. Robinson
Wayne Galvin writes;
[[Now wait a minute guys. This has gone far enough. Audiophiles fueled and are responsible for the vast improvements in the quality of home audio.]]
Well said! Audiophiles have even discovered an answer to the age old question of how do you make electrons flow in one direction.
Are you as curious as I am? Let's check out this site from Great Britain, hotbed of audiophile activity and see how it's done.
Hilarious UK Audio Scams
The "Unidirectional Filter" is near the bottom of the page. Save your tuppence boys and girls.

Roger A. McCarty:
"The New! 12AX7 STRAD Valve"
For the discriminating classical music audiophile who demands the best in reproduction accuracy as it pertains to stringed instruments. A New valve conceived and developed by the descendants of Antonius Stradivarius, the grids are hand wound by Antonius Stradivarius IV using metalized fibers removed from and with origins intended for, Violins which are of course, World Renowned. Classical music and particularly those with predominant stringed passages will frighten you with unbelievable accuracy.

Lincoln:
I thought this one was beautiful. This quote had a subtle nuance that was palpable and sonically delectable!!
[[Before you buy. Harmonic Technology makes some very good sounding digital cables. I'm presently using a Cyber-Link Platinum w/RCAs and compared to the other 6 or 7 digital cables I've put in my system it sounds the best.]]

- those cables make MY palate tingle! (Editor)

Fred Whitlock:
Telefunken 12AX7 and 12AU7 have always proven to roll of the highs in my equipment.

SPEAKER WIRE FIXES HISS CAUSED BY HIGH-END CABLE!

I'm not trying to start a flame war, but I thought I'd relate an interesting thing that recently occured.

My system (VR-4's, Andromeda III, SFL-1, Rotel 965) was in storage for 2 months, and when I finally unpacked it the other day, I realized my "high end" cables were in another storage unit. I have Audioquest interconnects and speaker cables, which I paid a decent sum of money for, but I was so anxious to get what I call the "Big Guns" (my speakers) fired up, that I ran up to Radio Shack and bought:

1. Their 12 gauge speaker wire
2. Their gold plated spade lugs
3. Their premium interconnects

I rushed home and hooked everything up, and the sound was marvelous. Previously I had a buzzing sound in the system that I could not remove (I never thought of the interconnects), and a hiss that was quite noticeable. All of these things were gone!

I guess my question is, did I unknowingly "upgrade" my "high end" cables with Radio Shack "higher end" cables????????

GOLD PLATING REDUCES HUM

When I changed from freebie interconnects to Radio Shack ones with gold plates, the hum decreased in volume. Still noticeable, but I could hear the difference and see the difference on my Gemini mixer.

MAGIC SPEAKER CABLES

... borrow at least 2 speaker cables of the same length. Audition (them) yourself, you'll see. I find tremendous differences between cables. I think both MIT and Audioquest cables are based on sound principles. Comparing one of each brand is eye opening. If you don't believe cables make a difference, I dare you. Same with interconnects. These two brands are yin and yang.

...Black Orpheus speaker cables. Sounds fantastic to me.

Audioquest F14 flat four conductor is less than a buck a foot. However the type 4 is a big improvement. I also like silver conductor cables best. Some of them stink, but some are magic.

BALANCE YOUR SPEAKER WIRES TO YOUR ROOM TO GET FULLER SOUND FROM CABLES

The difference between cables can be amazing. In my bedroom I assembled a Pioneer stereo system with a 25 disc CD changer. I considered this a low budget system so I originally had standard lamp cord for speaker wire. Recently I got a pair of Acoustic Research 226PS bookshelf speakers and tried hooking them up with the lamp cord. The sound was dull and flat, better than the old speakers but it let the *** FLAWS IN THE WIRE (!) *** be heard.

I upgraded to Monster XP which helped quite a bit, made the sound fuller but still was not all I was looking for. I tried some Esoteric Audio speaker cable which was better still, brought out cleaner treble. I then tried Standard Monster which seemed to have the best BALANCE for the system and the room, full deep bass even at quiet volumes (making classical music sound like a real performance rather than a shrill recording), and clean high treble. I think it would be best to audition several cables and see what sounds best for your system.

NEW JERSEY VACUUM TUBES

I can't seem to kick my addiction to WW II 1625s, especially running in triode mode. Do you think these tubes sound better because the air was cleaner in the old days? Since Tung-Sols seem to sound the best, it might be that sucking out air from New Jersey is the true secret. Also, it's kind of difficult to find a new 1625 to compare recent production with the older classics.

Pete Reese

DOPPLER EFFECT

Stereophile has a snippet in the rag that talks about yet another "enhancement" to playback systems. This one is a device that is supposed to compensate for "dopler distortion inherent in microphones"

Now, the doppler effect is the shift in frequency perceived when the object under observation and the observer are in motion to each other. So, if you drive fast enough, red lights will apear to be green.

Now, can anyone please illuminate my poor mind and explain to me how a microphone develops "dopler" distortion?

Thank you,

Nigel Tufnel

WATER-COOLED STEREO

Famous quotes: "There is a special digital cable which imparts an 'analogue-like warmth' to digital signals". [ [The best that I've come across was some idiots who tried to market a [ MIDI interface with valves. They claimed that the sound got the right [ warmth and laidback attitude. The unit costed $2000, and I figure that [ they probably sold a few to some musicians that didn't know better. [ [ Cheers, [ Mats Wiklander

I wonder if anyone has ever developed water filled cables for that "liquid audio" sound? :) Or how about liquid nitrogen cooled cables? Wait...that might actually do something interesting. :)

Chris G.

Take a look at:

The SCAM Site

Take a change of underpants with you ;o)

Martin

ONE-WAY SPEAKER WIRES

I like this one. A diode would have to affect the sound right?
heheheheh

Unidirectional filter forces electrons to travel one way! Simply fit one UNIQUE filter in each speaker wire (two per speaker) and hear the difference. Gold plated and mercury-free screw connections.
Order FIL0072 at £27.75 per pair

Bry said:

I wonder if you could advise me what brand of 12AX7s I should use for my preamp. I'm looking for some more liquid mids and satin highs,while maintaining that smooth bass and focused soundstage. TIA.

Sander deWaal
cx@wxs.nl

In article <38089328.14286987@news.wxs.nl>, cx@wxs.nl

(Sander deWaal)

I recommend SatCure brand. These have an internal getter which makes them internally oxygen-free. Essential for smooth operation of all valves. Oh.. uh, unfortunately they have no pins. Pins allow oxygen molecules to gain access so we eliminated that problem. But they *look* nice! ;o)

http://www.netcentral.co.uk/satcure/audio

TRANSIENT RESPONSE OF SPEAKER WIRES

An audiophile friend of mine, who is quite sane and reasonable until it comes to audio equipment, told me that his new speaker wires are uni-directional. That is, one specially-marked end must be connected only to the amplifier, and not to the speaker. I tried not to smile, but I suggested that we reverse the wire and see if we could hear any difference in the performance of his system. "Oh no!" he protested," if we reverse the wire, it will damage my amplifier. The salesman warned me about that."

I dunno... plain, old 16-gauge zip cord works fine for me. Costs about 15 cents a foot, and comes in choice of brown or white too. Hmmmmm, I wonder if white zip cord has better transient response than the brown variety :-)

Carl Ratner
artdeco@supernet.com

UNIDIRECTIONAL SPEAKER WIRES

NO, NO, NO, you got it all wrong. My audiophile friend told me the truth. It's not that the wires are premarked for direction, it's that they take a set after being used for a week or so, and if you then turn them end for end, you can hear the difference.

Of course, if you put in A-B switches for rapid changes for comparisions, the tests are not valid because of the extra whatevers caused by the switches :)

John Kolb
jlkolb@cts.com

TUBES MADE ON THE SOUTH SIDE

I get a big kick out of the descriptions of the different sounds supposed to be had from different brand tubes....as if there was a big difference between one brand 12ax7 and another.....I would guess there would be more differences between tubes of one manufacturer from day to day, then between different manufacturers. Solid silver wire in the transformer windings....

I think its all quite silly.

Perhaps we have people who can tell by the sound what brand tube you use....maybe what year, or which side of the factory it was made on....

Brett, New Jersey, USA
Brett.Gazdzinski@wcom.com

You could turn this into a really neat site.

AMPLIFIER WITH THIRTY TUBES

Did you catch the 30 tube $4k amp using 12ax7's from Cambs.
This guy is way out there...

Also, check out:
riceboypage.com
for an example of making fun of something as a profitable portal.

BOB DUCKWORTH
bob@atl.org

Here's a 1 Watt amplifier you can buy for a mere $680.00 USD!! VERY high tech!

How about a PASSIVE CIRCUIT that "Adds Distortion" for only $20.00? - he he! Everyone needs one of those!

DARN! That one has been taken off the shelves, folks! But do try - THE AUDIO PUMP

DON'T MISS:
Altmann Micro Machines Tube-o-Lator Lacquer

See also:
GORDIE'S RANT about Audiophiles
Totally hilarious!

Also, check out the many types of strange Audiophiles and their caricatures you will find at:
http://www.thestar.com.my/audio/0297/06awwong.html

Again... Totally hilarious!

A FEW FUNNY LINKS AND SUNDRY WIERDNESS!

More brilliant audio gadgets from the folks at Funk Logic!

Alum Rock Transformers - $4600 each, and for those with deeper pockets: complete 30 watt/ch tube stereo amplifiers for $85,000 each.
What Is High-End Audio? A serious page though it uses the term "BS" too!
>http://www.users.bigpond.com/James_Fenech
>http://www.communicationjute.com
http://www.daegon.com
http://www.vacuumtubevalley.com
The Hi-End Haven
Distributors of the "Powerless Power Cord"

The Audiophile FAITH - Amen Brother!

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